Anonymous asked: I feel weird about claiming the term bisexual. I'm attracted to both sexes, but I can only see myself in a long-term relationship with a man, not a woman. I feel like a bad person because I want to be with women sexually but not really in a deeper way than that, and I feel like the term can't belong to me. Any thoughts?
heteroromantic & bisexual, it sounds like that’s what you are. fuck the people who say that’s getting too specific or it’s ridiculous or whatever because the situation you’re describing is exactly what those terms were made for. i’m hoping you can break those terms down on your own b/c i’m running out of answering space… stupid google chrome lmao. x ashley
Anonymous asked: I only realized I was bi after getting engaged to my husband. He has since agreed to and been encouraging me to explore my sexuality and date women. However, I've started finding men I was interested in. He won't allow this though, saying things like "intimacy" and how it would break his heart. I love him, so it's not as if I'm leaving him, I just want another male lover, but he won't allow it. I don't understand how he can claim to support bisexuality except when it comes to mine.
Okay this is less of a question about bisexuality and MUCH more a question about monogamy.
Here is what I understand your message to be saying: You are bisexual. You’re husband understands that, and is comfortable with you dating other women because he doesn’t feel threatened by your sexual or romantic intimacy with other women. But when it comes to dating other men, he is uncomfortable. Right?
So, there are sort of a few choices you can make - either
- be comfortable with the fact that your husband-to-be is not okay with you dating other men, and STOP dating other men
- Come to a place with your fiance through discussion, research, where he would be comfortable with you having other fe/male partners
- End your engagement with your fiance. This is one of those make-or-break things for some people.
Personally? I am polyamorous. I wouldn’t give two hoots if my partner wanted to take another partner. BUT. He is uncomfortable with me taking another partner - and I am fine with that. Our relationship, as it stands now, is monogamous. That doesn’t make me upset or stressed out or anything. I have no idea how your relationship would be affected if you decided to continue to restrict yourself to dating other women (and your fiance).
I’m going to be completely honestly frank with you: This smells funny. The fact that he is fine with you being with women but not other men suggests that he doesn’t take your relationship with women as seriously as he takes your relationship with him OR that he is dismissing your newfound sexual identification as a phase.
In any case, I am sorry. This isn’t going to be the most fun conversation ever with your partner - but I think that you ought to be honest with him. If he is going to accept you for who YOU are, then you need to lay our very clear boundaries of what your needs and expectations are. I can tell from what you wrote that you love him very much - please don’t compromise on who you are in order to calm the relationship down or ease his insecutiries about your commitment to him.
And please write back if you need more help.
Anonymous asked: I am bisexual and I've been sure about that since my early teens. I am sexually and romantically attracted to women (I am female) but only romantically attracted to men. My problem is I'm not sure how to define that. Any advice?
sounds like you’re biromantic and homosexual? If you want to nail down exactly who you have preferences for. I don’t see anything wrong with you continuing to identify as bisexual if you’d prefer to do that.
Anonymous asked: I'm bi & female. Dealing with some internalized biphobia right now. I'm okay with anyone else (friends, family, strangers, etc.) being LGBT. Yet, I feel like I have to choose to be gay or straight, or else I'm not valid, if that makes any sense. Help? Also, I was thinking of coming out to some female friends, but I don't want them to act weird or assume I like them. How do I prepare for that?
Although I think this phrase is over-used, I believe that it is true: We accept the love we think we deserve.
A lot of the process in understanding your sexuality has to do with self-love. Loving yourself can be very difficult or it can be really easy. It varies from person to person, but in general, it is a process that requires patience and understanding of the self. Dealing with internalized biphobia & the concern of what others may think of you is something that a lot of people who identify as bisexual encounter.
Personally, I’ve never met someone who has an end-all response to your situation. It’s really a personal thing that requires vulnerability, openness, and patience. My best advice is to follow your gut, try to understand yourself, and be true to who you are. You have time to evolve, so enjoy the ride.
There is nothing wrong with thinking that you might be heteroromantic and still being attracted to primarily girls. From your message, I can guess that you identify as a girl as well? Please correct me if I’m wrong.
What concerns me about your question isnt your confusing - it is that you are ‘hoping its only a phase or strictly sexual’ because you can ‘deal with that’…i don’t what you to be feeling internalized homophobia about your feelings - there is absolutely nothing wrong with being attracted to someone and having that attraction fall into the queer category - being nervous about figuring out your identity is normal. Wondering, asking questions, exploring - doing exactly what you did by writing to us - is fantastic.
Please allow yourself time to find your identity - be patient with yourself. In today’s world, we are all so rushed and hurried to label and name and put ourselves in boxes - and as much comfort as I recieve by naming aspects of myself and finding community, I also remember that there isn’t just one word or phrase that is ever going to completely emcompass my identity. And that is okay.
Feel free to write back if you have more questions! I’m glad you sent us your message.
As far as this blog being inactive, I know that at least for me (Harris) I sometimes don’t get tumblr emails notifying me that there are new messages in the fyaab inbox because this is not my primary blog. But there are several mods that are still replying to messages and trying to answer questions to the best of our ability.
Anonymous asked: I'm a bisexual girl who recently started dating another girl. Neither of us our out to our parents, and our relationship is overall mostly secret. It can put a bit of a strain on things. We're also very self conscious about being seen together, even so far as being wary to hold hands in public just in case someone sees and it spreads. Do you have any advice in coming out to parents, dealing with being in a secret relationship, or changing from a secretive relationship to well, more obvious one?
I have been in all of those situations. So I can tell you what I learned, but ultimately it’s your life - your relationship - your parents, and what you experience will probably be different.
My relationship was a secret until it wasn’t. And it was scary at first to go public with it. Almost every fear I had of what others would say or think came true. But it the put the relationship to the test it needed. We were very much in love, and we still are. But that kind of stress/pressure can easily break a relationship, even if it is meant to be. The key that I discovered was the attitude I take with my relationship is the attitude others will take with it. Naturally, there are some people who will simply disagree [have you ever seen a couple together that you really think shouldn’t be? i have, and i moaned & groaned about it till the cows came home… and people did that for mine as well.]. But if the relationship is worth it, then you’ll find a way to deal with the negativity of others. You’ll grow, and you’ll be rewarded with the relief of being who you are without feeling the pressure of the public eye.
As for parents, mine were deeply disappointed that I had lied to them. And they were uneasy with the relationship overall. They said quite a few nasty remarks, and basically went through the five stages of grief. But with time and my steady confidence in the relationship they came around. I still think they’d be happier if I was dating someone else, but regardless of that, they still treat me with lots of respect and love. …
This is much easier to write than it was to live it. As a person who seeks approval of everyone around her, I had to learn how to cope with the fact that my parents were upset and confused about who I am. I had to fight for that part of myself. And so here we are, and this is the history of the world. We will always have to fight for who we are.
Being in a secret relationship is difficult because you are actively hiding a part of yourself that you really enjoy. It can be difficult and confusing and cause a lot of personal anguish. And, in my case, lots of overanalyzing and assumption-making. It is always hard to change, but once you do it, it’s the easiest thing in the world.
I hope that in this process you grow to love yourself more, and that you learn about who you are.
All the best, June.
Anonymous asked: So i feel like a bit of an ass asking, but i don't want to be uneducated. what is the difference between bisexuality and pansexuality? i always thought it was just that bi people liked men and women, and pansexuals like all genders, but i've been told that's not correct. help??
No worries. It can be a confusing topic because there are so many varieties of definitions. Ultimately it comes down to who you are talking to about it. Here’s a gloriously long post that we saved from a while ago because so many people get confused about this:
Anonymous asked: I'm a 28 year old woman. I've always identified as straight, but I've found myself thinking more seriously about relationships/sex with women. I think I'm bi, but feel like I'm too old to be confused about my sexual orientation. I fear that no women would be interested in dating me b/c they'll think I'm just bored/experimenting. I never had the chance to explore my sexuality as a teen/coll. stud. How can I know if I'm bi? Can I call myself bi if I've never had sex w. a woman (seems dishonest)?
The way you label your sexuality is entirely up to you. If it makes the most sense to have a sexual experience with a woman before you decide to call yourself bisexual, then that should be your mode of operandi. However, if you feel that you can call yourself bi without that experience, then why not?
Ultimately, it’s up to you. It’s your decision what to call yourself :).
As for age, in my experience it’s no problem at all. It’s true that a lot of people discover their sexuality at a younger age. But it’s also true that people figure it out later in life. There have been a decent amount of questions/messages on these sites from people of all ages who have just discovered their sexuality. I assume there are many more people out there in a similar situation.
If it makes you feel any better, the person I’m currently dating is 20 years older than me, and never really dealt with their sexuality until their thirties.
I think you just need to explore that part of yourself. What’s the harm of experimenting? Who cares what other people think of it? Shouldn’t your happiness and well-being be a top priority? Why not take the plunge? They don’t say “there are all kinds” for no reason; people will surprise you; you’ll find that you’ll attract what you want/need. Just have some faith that the universe will meet you half way. :)
Best of luck!
Anonymous asked: So im bi but ive never really been in a serious realationship with a guy. Ive dealt with girls more and is a bit nervous about him. He's a great guy i just dont't know what do. Oh btw im a high school girl.
That’s great! It makes sense that you are nervous for something you’ve never really tried before. All you can do is roll with the punches and hope to learn more about yourself in the process. :) I wish you the best of luck!